We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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