i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
