I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
