i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
