The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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