Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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