I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
found the other keg... it's in the tree
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
