Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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