Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
