so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize