I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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