apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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