paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
