After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
