God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
