How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
