Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
