I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
