i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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