hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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