sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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