Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
