I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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