he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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