My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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