just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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