I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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