Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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