i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
