you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Im just a social blackout drinker.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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