You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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