Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
