We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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