ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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