I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Randomize
