The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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