Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
time to smoke my breakfast
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize