I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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