According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
