you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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