Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize