I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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