i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
