1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
