epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I party with great urgency now.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
