went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize