He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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