We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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