YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
