My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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