I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize