Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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