hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
