I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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