how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize