He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Can you bring me the toilet please
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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