What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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