did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
